Where to ride in MD
I Haz 2 many Horsez
The Junk Drawer
Behind the Bit
MD Horse clubs
Most of these were sent in e-mail, and of course I have no idea who the
author is for the majority. Unless I know for certain, they are listed as
anonymous. The most important thing is, they are hilariously funny!
|RIDING DISCIPLINES EXPLAINED
THE BACK YARD RIDER: Usually found wearing shorts and a sports bra in
the summer; flannel nightgown, muck boots, and down jacket in the
winter. Drives a Ford 150 filled with saddle blankets and dog hair. Most
have deformed toes from being stepped on while wearing flip-flops. Has a
two-horse bumper-pull trailer, but uses it for hay storage, as her horse
hasn't been off the farm in 6 years. Can install an electric fence, set
a gate, and roll a round bale, solo. Rode well and often when she used
to board her horse, 5 years ago. Took horse home to "save money" and has
spent about 50 grand on acreage, barn, fence, tractor, etc. Has two
topics of conversation - 1) How it's too hot/cold/wet/dry to ride. And
2) how she may ride after she fixes the fence/digs drainage
ditches/stacks 4 tons of hay.
THE NATURAL HORSEMANSHIP DEVOTEE: Looks like a throwback from a Texas
ranch, despite the fact that he lives in the suburbs of New Jersey. Rope
coiled loosely in hand in case he needs to herd any of those kids on
roller-blades away from his F-350 dually in the Wal-Mart parking lot.
Cowboy hat strategically placed, and just dirty enough to look cool.
Levi's are well worn. "Lightning" is, of course, this natural
horsemanship guy's horse. Rescued from a bad home where he was never
imprinted or broke in the natural horsemanship way, he specialized in
running down his owners at feeding time, knocking children off his back
on low-hanging branches, and baring his teeth. The hospitalization tally
for his previous handlers was 12, until he was sent to Round Pen Randy;
after ten minutes in said pen, he is now a totally broke horse, bowing
to the crowd, and can put on his own splint boots. (With R.P. Randy's
trademark logo embossed on them.) R.P.R. says, of all this, "Well,
shucks ma'am, tweren't nuthin'! It's simple horsemanship. With this
special, twirly flickitatin' rope ($17.95 plus tax), you'll be round-pennin'
like me in no time!"
THE ENDURANCE RIDER: Wears Lycra tights in wild neon colors. The shinier
the better, so the EMT's can find her body when her horse dumps her down
a ravine. Wears hiking shoes of some sort, and T-shirts she got for
paying $75 to complete another torturous ride. Her horse, Al Kamar
Shazam, used to be called "you bastard" until he found an owner almost
as hyper as he is. Shazam can spook at a blowing leaf, spin a 360, and
not lose his big trot rhythm or give an inch to the horse behind him.
Has learned to eat, drink, pee, and drop to his resting pulse rate on
command. He has compiled 3,450 AERC miles; his rider compiled 3,445 (the
missing five miles are the ones when he raced down the trail without his
rider after performing his trademark 360. Overheard frequently: "Anyone
have Advil?" "Anyone got some food? I think last year's Twinkies went
bad." "For this pain I spend money?" "Shazam, you bastard - it's just a
THE HUNTER RIDER: Is slightly anorexic and trying her best to achieve
the conformation of a 17-year-old male in case she ever has a clinic
with George Morris. Field marks include greenish-beige breeches and a
baseball cap when schooling, or mud colored coat and hardhat with
dangling chinstrap when competing. Forks over about a grand a month to
trainer for the privilege of letting him/her "tune" up the horse, which
consists of drilling the beast until it's going to put in five strides
on a 60 foot line no matter WHAT she does. Sold the Thoroughbred (and a
collection of longeing equipment, chambons, side reins) and bought a
Warmblood. (Bought a ladder and a LONG set of spurs). Talks a lot about
the horse's success in Florida without exactly letting on that she
herself has never been south of the Pennsylvania line.
THE DRESSAGE QUEEN: Has her hair in an elegant ponytail and is wearing a
visor and gold earrings sporting a breed logo. A $100 dollar custom
jumper (also with breed logo) is worn over $300 dollar full-seat white
breeches and custom Koenigs. Her horse, "Leistergeidelsprundheim" ("Fleistergeidel"
for short) is a 17.3 hand warmblood who was bred to be a Grand Prix
horse. The Germans are still laughing hysterically, as he was bred to be
a Grand Prix JUMPER, but since he couldn't get out of his own way, they
sold him to an American. His rider fell in love with his lofty gaits,
proud carriage, and tremendous athleticism. She admires him mostly while
longeing. She longes him a lot, because she is not actually to keen to
get up there and try to SIT that trot. When she rides, it's not for
long, because (while he looks FINE to everyone else), she can tell that
he is not as "thorough" and "supple" as he should be, and gets off to
call the chiropractor/massage therapist/psychic, all of whom are
expensive, but he WILL be shown, and shown right after he perfects (fill
in the blank). The blank changes often enough that the rider can avoid
the stress of being beaten at Training Level 1 by a Quarter Horse.
THE EVENTER: Is bent over from carrying three saddles, three bridles,
three bits, and three unrelated sets of clothing (four, if she is going
to have to do a trot-up at a 3-Day). The hunched, defensive posture is
reinforced by the anticipation of "a long one" a ditch and a wall, and
from living in her back protector. Perpetually broke because she pays
THREE coaches (a Dressage Queen, a jumper rider, and her eventing guru,
none of whom approves of the others) and pays trailers/stabling/living
expenses to go 600 miles to events that are spread out over 5 days. She
is smugly convinced that Eventers are in fact the only people in the
world who CAN ride (since Dressage Queens don't jump, the H/J crowd is
to afraid to ride OUTSIDE of a ring, and the fox hunters, a related
breed, don't have to deal with dressage judges). The hat cover on her
cross-country helmet is secured with a giant rubber band, so she can
look like her idol, Phillip. Her horse, who has previously been rejected
as a race horse, a steeplechase horse (got ruled off for jumping into
the in-field and tailgating the crowd), a jumper, a fox hunter, and a
polo pony (no bit stops this thing), has two speeds: gallop and "no
gallop" (also known as stop 'n' dump). Excels at over-jumping into
water, doing a head first "tuck and roll" maneuver and exiting the
complex (catch me if you can!) before his rider slogs out of the pond.
Often stops to lick the Crisco off his legs before continuing gaily on
to the merciless over jump just ahead. Owner often threatens to sell,
but as he has flunked out of every other English-riding discipline, it
will have to be to a barrel racer.
|HOW MANY HORSES DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB??? ??
Thoroughbred: I changed it an hour ago. C'mon you guys - catch up!
* Arabian: Who ME?? Do WHAT? I'm scared of
light bulbs! I'm outta here!
* Quarter Horse: Put all the bulbs in a pen and tell me which one you
* Standardbred: Oh for Pete's Sake, give me the darn bulb and let's be
done with it.
* Shetland: Give it to me. I'll kill it and we won't have to worry about
* Friesian: I would, but I can't see where I'm going from behind all
* Belgian: Put the Shetland on my back, maybe he can reach it then.
* Warmblood: Is the 2nd Level Instruction Packet in English? Doesn't
anyone realize that I was sold for $75K as a yearling, but only because
my hocks are bad, otherwise I would be worth $100K? I am NOT changing
light bulbs. Make the TB get back here and do it.
* Morgan: Me! Me! Me! Pleeease let me! I wanna do it! I'm gonna do it! I
know how, really I do! Just watch! I'll rewire the barn after, too.
* Appaloosa: Ya'll are a bunch of losers. We don't need to change the
light bulb, I ain't scared of the dark. And someone make that darn
Morgan stop jumping up and down before I double barrel him.
* Haflinger: That thing I ate was a light bulb?
* Mustang: Light bulb? Let's go on a trail ride, instead. And camp. Out
in the open like REAL horses.
* Lipizzaner: Hah, amateurs. I will change the light bulb. Not only
that, but I will do it while standing on my hind legs and balancing it
on my nose, after which I will perform seven flying lead changes in a
row and a capriole. Can you do that? Huh? Huh? Didn't think so.
* Miniature: I bet you think I can't do it just cause I'm small. You
know what that is? It's sizeism!
* Akhal Te ke: I will only change it if it's my owner's light bulb and
no one else has ever touched it.
* Andalusian: I will delegate the changing of the light bulb to my
personal groom after he finishes shampooing my mane and cleaning my
saddle, but only on the condition that it is changed for a soft blue or
pink bulb, which reflects better off my coat while I exhibit my
* Cleveland Bay: I'm busy. Make the whipper-in and the hounds do it.
* Tennesee Walking Horse: there was a light bulb up there?
* Saddlebred: My ears are up already, please, please get the &#/~..#
light bulb away from me! I'm ready to show, really, I promise I'll win!
* Paint: Put all the light bulbs in a pen, tell me which one you want,
and my owner will bet you twenty bucks I can get it before the quarter
* POA: I'm not changing it. I'm the one who kicked the old one and broke
it in the first place, remember? Now, excuse me, I have a grain room to
* Grade Horse: Guys? Um, guys? I hope you don't mind, but I went ahead
and changed it while you were all arguing
Living with O.C.E.A.N. Syndrome - By Scooter Grubb
Just recently, after years of research, I have finally been
give a name to what my wife and I have been living with for
It's an affliction, for sure, which when undiagnosed and
misunderstood can devastate and literally tear a family
little is known about O.C.E.A.N. Syndrome. But it is my hope
article will generate interest from researchers involved in
equine and psychological sciences. You will, no doubt, begin
identify similar symptoms in your own family and hopefully
able to cope.
Obsessive Compulsive Equine Attachment Neurosis
Syndrome (O.C.E.A.N.S) is usually found in the female
manifest itself anytime from birth to the golden years.
appear any time and may even go dormant in the late teens,
syndrome frequently re-emerges in later years.
Symptoms vary widely in both number and degree of severity.
to share some examples which are most prominent in our home.
The afflicted individual:
1. Can smell moldy hay at ten paces, but can't tell whether
gone bad until it turns chunky.
2. Finds the occasional "Buck and Toot" session hugely
but severely chastises her husband for similar antics.
3. Will spend hours cleaning and conditioning her tack, but
eat on paper plates so there are no dishes.
4. Considers equine gaseous excretions a fragrance.
5. Enjoys mucking out four stalls twice a day, but insists
a housekeeper mop the kitchen floor once a week.
6. Will spend an hour combing and trimming an equine mane,
baseball cap so she doesn't waste time
brushing her own hair.
7. Will dig through manure piles daily looking for worms,
but does not fish.
8. Will not hesitate to administer a rectal exam up to her
but finds cleaning out the Thanksgiving turkey cavity for
9. By memory can mix eight different supplements in the
proportions, but can't make macaroni and cheese that isn't
10. Twice a week will spend an hour scrubbing algae from the
tanks, but has a problem cleaning lasagna out of the
11. Will pick a horse's nose, and call it cleaning, but
verbally violent when her husband picks his.
12. Can sit through a four-hour session of a ground work
unable to make it through a half-hour episode of Cops.
The spouse of an afflicted victim:
1. Must come to terms with the fact there is no cure, and
slightly effective treatments. The syndrome may be genetic
by the inhaling of manure particles which, I propose, have
effect on female hormones.
2. Must adjust the family budget to include equine items -
veterinarian services, farrier services, riding boots and
supplements, tack, equine masseuse and acupuncturist - as
well as the
mandatory) equine spiritual guide, etc. Once you have
monthly figure, never look at it again. Doing so will cause
in your chest, nausea and occasional diarrhea.
3. Must realize that your spouse has no control over this
More often than not, she will deny a problem even exists as
denial is common.
4. Must form a support group. You need to know you're not
alone - and
there's no shame in admitting your wife has a problem. My
group, for instance, involves men who truly enjoy Harley
four-day weekends and lots of scotch. Most times, she is
I am even gone, until the precise moment she needs help
getting a 50-
pound bag of grain out of the truck.
Now you can better see how O.C.E.A.N.S. affects countless
in this country and abroad. It knows no racial, ethnic or
boundaries. It is a syndrome that will be difficult to treat
those most affected are in denial and therefore, not
interested in a
cure. So, I am taking it upon myself to be constantly
diligent in my
research in order to pass along information to make it
caretakers to cope on a day to day basis.
Note: Scooter now has T-shirts available for O.C.E.A.N.
Subject: Exercise by Saddling a Horse
At this time of year,
after the holidays, ads for weight-loss programs saturate print media
and the airwaves. Even TV talk shows devote time to the battle of the
bulge. I caught part of a Dr. Phil episode in which the prominent
self-help guru was evaluating the situation of one overweight guest. The
woman commented that she'd like to buy a horse so she could get exercise
via riding. "That's great for the horse," responded Dr. Phil drolly,
"but what good is it for you?" Obviously, Dr. Phil has missed out on the
cardiovascular workout we women get attempting to get into a sports bra
and riding pants....
Clearly, the good
doctor doesn't own a horse. At least, not the right horse. A quiet,
well-broke, agreeable mount may indeed not offer much in the way of
fitness training. But, the right horse (and most of us have owned 1 or
2, haven't we?) will provide a body-building, cardiovascular- enhancing
workout that would make Richard Simmons envious.
Allow me to
With the right horse,
you begin your fitness program by walking out to the pasture. As you
stride briskly, you carry the halter and lead rope behind you, pushed up
high on your back so the lead doesn't drag. The purpose of this is to
tone your chest and upper-arm muscles (because you're not fooling your
horse, for he knows what you carry). As you approach to within a few
feet of him, he'll walk slowly away from you, but at a pace just so you
can't reach him, then stop. This will be repeated several times in
succession, until you're ready to jog. At that point, because you own
just the right horse, he will trot, then gallop around the pasture. If
you're at the advanced level of fitness, you may continue chasing after
him for maximum aerobic benefits, or just stop and start throwing rocks
at him to give your rotator cuffs a workout. (Make sure you switch
throwing arms. Not only is this a benefit to you, your horse will think
Beginners may prefer to
toss the halter and lead on the ground, bend forward from the waist, and
engage in heavy breathing and chanting (that's what we'll call it,
anyway -- chanting) as the horse continues to circle the field. For
those of you that have experience with this exercise, you may choose to
throw the halter and lead, walk briskly, bend, pick up, repeat. When the
horse determines you've had enough of this warm-up session, he'll allow
you to catch him.
Now comes the total
upper-body workout of grooming. The right horse, of course, will be
caked in dried mud. The cement-like consistency of it will require
work-to-exhaustion effort of your biceps and triceps. NOTE: This
exercise has added value, the dried mud will stick to your face with
perspiration, instant facial!
Next comes the bending,
stretching, and toning of hoof-picking. Bend over, pick up the horse's
left front foot, then be prepared to jump back as he stomps it back down
to the ground, narrowly missing your foot. (Keep your knees bent as you
jump, to protect your lower back.) Reach down and pick up the foot
again, hopping about with the horse to maintain your grip as you attempt
to pick what seems to be dirt mixed with Super Glue from the hoof.
Eventually the horse may stand still; you may be chanting by this time.
Repeat the entire circuit 3 more times with the remaining feet.
Once you can stand
erect again, it's time for the insect repellent exercise. True, with
this one, your horse may actually get more of a workout than you do, but
you certainly get more of the repellent. It goes like this:
circle--- and so on, until you're completely misted with repellent and
chanting 'whoa you sonofabitch whoa'. To receive maximum benefit from
this exercise, make sure you are at the beginning of a deep inhalation
during the 'squirt' cycle and exhale after the last chanting 'whoa.'
With the right horse,
saddling up provides both aerobic and strength building benefits. The
trick is to keep your feet moving as you heft the saddle blanket over
and over (and over), trying to keep it in place on a moving target. The
blanket exercise warms you up for the saddle exercise, for which the
routine is the same, only the weight is much greater -- perfect for
buffing those hard-to-tone shoulder muscles.
Now comes the mounting
exercise. With the right horse, it's left leg up, hop-hop-hop, left leg
down, heavy breathing. Left leg up, hop-hop-hop, left leg down, heavy
breathing. For balance, go around to the other side and continue the
exercise (right leg up, hop-hop-hop, heavy breathing, right leg down,
heavy breathing, etc.). When your heart rate begins to exceed your
target range, look for a bucket. Bend over, pick it up, place it
upside-down next to the horse, wait for the horse to move away, then
bend over, pick it up again, place it next to the horse, and so on.
NOTE: This is a cooling down routine, not to be confused with the warm
up pasture-routine. When the horse deems you've had enough of these
repetitions, he'll stand still and allow you to actually mount. At this
point, of course, you'll be too exhausted to ride and your facial mask
will be dropping off in chunks.
It's best not to overdo
it, so dismount, grab a glass of wine, and head in to recover in a
New Years Resolutions for Horses:
1. I CAN walk and poop at the same
time. I can, I can, I can.
2. I will NOT stop and poop or urinate
every time I pass the same spot in the arena.
3. I will NOT leave when my rider falls
4. My stall is NOT my litter box. When
I have free access to my paddock, I will NOT go back inside to pee.
5. I will NOT roll in streams or try to
roll when my human is on my back.
6. I will NOT leap over large
nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.
7. I will NOT walk faster on the way
home than I did on the way out.
8. I promise NOT to swish my tail while
my human is cleaning my back feet.
9. I promise also NOT to choose that
particular time to answer nature's call.
10. I will NOT bite my farrier's butt
just because it is there.
11. I will NOT confuse my human's
blonde hair for really soft hay.
12. I will NOT wipe green slime down
the back of my humans white shirt.
13. I will NOT blow my nose on my
14. I will NOT try to mooch goodies off
every human within a 1 mile radius.
15. I will NOT lay totally flat out in
my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend
I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
16. I will NOT chase the ponies into
the electric fence to see if it is on.
17. I will promise NEVER to dump the
wheelbarrow of manure over while a human is mucking my stall.
18. I will NOT grab my lead rope in my
mouth and attempt to lead myself.
19. I will NOT have an attitude
problem. I won't, I won't, I won't!
20. I will NOT pull my new shoes off
the very next day just to prove that I can.
21. I am neither a beaver nor a
carpenter. I promise I won't eat or remodel the barn or the new fences.
22. I WILL forgive my human for the
very bad haircut, even though I look like a freak.
23. I accept that not every carrot is
24. I will NOT do the Arab Teleport
Trick when a bad/naughty/awful Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.
25. I will NOT jump in the air and turn
180 degrees every time I see a bicycle.
26. I will understand that bicycle are
27. I will NOT shy at familiar objects
just for fun.
28. I will NOT bite the butt of the
horse in front of me during trail ride just to say "HI".
29. I WILL put my ears forward and
cooperate when it comes to photos.