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Horse Humor!

Most of these were sent in e-mail, and of course I have no idea who the author is for the majority. Unless I know for certain, they are listed as anonymous. The most important thing is, they are hilariously funny!




THE BACK YARD RIDER: Usually found wearing shorts and a sports bra in the summer; flannel nightgown, muck boots, and down jacket in the winter. Drives a Ford 150 filled with saddle blankets and dog hair. Most have deformed toes from being stepped on while wearing flip-flops. Has a two-horse bumper-pull trailer, but uses it for hay storage, as her horse hasn't been off the farm in 6 years. Can install an electric fence, set a gate, and roll a round bale, solo. Rode well and often when she used to board her horse, 5 years ago. Took horse home to "save money" and has spent about 50 grand on acreage, barn, fence, tractor, etc. Has two topics of conversation - 1) How it's too hot/cold/wet/dry to ride. And 2) how she may ride after she fixes the fence/digs drainage ditches/stacks 4 tons of hay.

THE NATURAL HORSEMANSHIP DEVOTEE: Looks like a throwback from a Texas ranch, despite the fact that he lives in the suburbs of New Jersey. Rope coiled loosely in hand in case he needs to herd any of those kids on roller-blades away from his F-350 dually in the Wal-Mart parking lot. Cowboy hat strategically placed, and just dirty enough to look cool. Levi's are well worn. "Lightning" is, of course, this natural horsemanship guy's horse. Rescued from a bad home where he was never imprinted or broke in the natural horsemanship way, he specialized in running down his owners at feeding time, knocking children off his back on low-hanging branches, and baring his teeth. The hospitalization tally for his previous handlers was 12, until he was sent to Round Pen Randy; after ten minutes in said pen, he is now a totally broke horse, bowing to the crowd, and can put on his own splint boots. (With R.P. Randy's trademark logo embossed on them.) R.P.R. says, of all this, "Well, shucks ma'am, tweren't nuthin'! It's simple horsemanship. With this special, twirly flickitatin' rope ($17.95 plus tax), you'll be round-pennin' like me in no time!"

THE ENDURANCE RIDER: Wears Lycra tights in wild neon colors. The shinier the better, so the EMT's can find her body when her horse dumps her down a ravine. Wears hiking shoes of some sort, and T-shirts she got for paying $75 to complete another torturous ride. Her horse, Al Kamar Shazam, used to be called "you bastard" until he found an owner almost as hyper as he is. Shazam can spook at a blowing leaf, spin a 360, and not lose his big trot rhythm or give an inch to the horse behind him. Has learned to eat, drink, pee, and drop to his resting pulse rate on command. He has compiled 3,450 AERC miles; his rider compiled 3,445 (the missing five miles are the ones when he raced down the trail without his rider after performing his trademark 360. Overheard frequently: "Anyone have Advil?" "Anyone got some food? I think last year's Twinkies went bad." "For this pain I spend money?" "Shazam, you bastard - it's just a leaf [thud]!"

THE HUNTER RIDER: Is slightly anorexic and trying her best to achieve the conformation of a 17-year-old male in case she ever has a clinic with George Morris. Field marks include greenish-beige breeches and a baseball cap when schooling, or mud colored coat and hardhat with dangling chinstrap when competing. Forks over about a grand a month to trainer for the privilege of letting him/her "tune" up the horse, which consists of drilling the beast until it's going to put in five strides on a 60 foot line no matter WHAT she does. Sold the Thoroughbred (and a collection of longeing equipment, chambons, side reins) and bought a Warmblood. (Bought a ladder and a LONG set of spurs). Talks a lot about the horse's success in Florida without exactly letting on that she herself has never been south of the Pennsylvania line.

THE DRESSAGE QUEEN: Has her hair in an elegant ponytail and is wearing a visor and gold earrings sporting a breed logo. A $100 dollar custom jumper (also with breed logo) is worn over $300 dollar full-seat white breeches and custom Koenigs. Her horse, "Leistergeidelsprundheim" ("Fleistergeidel" for short) is a 17.3 hand warmblood who was bred to be a Grand Prix horse. The Germans are still laughing hysterically, as he was bred to be a Grand Prix JUMPER, but since he couldn't get out of his own way, they sold him to an American. His rider fell in love with his lofty gaits, proud carriage, and tremendous athleticism. She admires him mostly while longeing. She longes him a lot, because she is not actually to keen to get up there and try to SIT that trot. When she rides, it's not for long, because (while he looks FINE to everyone else), she can tell that he is not as "thorough" and "supple" as he should be, and gets off to call the chiropractor/massage therapist/psychic, all of whom are expensive, but he WILL be shown, and shown right after he perfects (fill in the blank). The blank changes often enough that the rider can avoid the stress of being beaten at Training Level 1 by a Quarter Horse.

THE EVENTER: Is bent over from carrying three saddles, three bridles, three bits, and three unrelated sets of clothing (four, if she is going to have to do a trot-up at a 3-Day). The hunched, defensive posture is reinforced by the anticipation of "a long one" a ditch and a wall, and from living in her back protector. Perpetually broke because she pays THREE coaches (a Dressage Queen, a jumper rider, and her eventing guru, none of whom approves of the others) and pays trailers/stabling/living expenses to go 600 miles to events that are spread out over 5 days. She is smugly convinced that Eventers are in fact the only people in the world who CAN ride (since Dressage Queens don't jump, the H/J crowd is to afraid to ride OUTSIDE of a ring, and the fox hunters, a related breed, don't have to deal with dressage judges). The hat cover on her cross-country helmet is secured with a giant rubber band, so she can look like her idol, Phillip. Her horse, who has previously been rejected as a race horse, a steeplechase horse (got ruled off for jumping into the in-field and tailgating the crowd), a jumper, a fox hunter, and a polo pony (no bit stops this thing), has two speeds: gallop and "no gallop" (also known as stop 'n' dump). Excels at over-jumping into water, doing a head first "tuck and roll" maneuver and exiting the complex (catch me if you can!) before his rider slogs out of the pond. Often stops to lick the Crisco off his legs before continuing gaily on to the merciless over jump just ahead. Owner often threatens to sell, but as he has flunked out of every other English-riding discipline, it will have to be to a barrel racer.

* Thoroughbred: I changed it an hour ago. C'mon you guys - catch up!

* Arabian: Who ME?? Do WHAT? I'm scared of light bulbs! I'm outta here!

* Quarter Horse: Put all the bulbs in a pen and tell me which one you want.

* Standardbred: Oh for Pete's Sake, give me the darn bulb and let's be done with it.

* Shetland: Give it to me. I'll kill it and we won't have to worry about it anymore.

* Friesian: I would, but I can't see where I'm going from behind all this mane.

* Belgian: Put the Shetland on my back, maybe he can reach it then.

* Warmblood: Is the 2nd Level Instruction Packet in English? Doesn't anyone realize that I was sold for $75K as a yearling, but only because my hocks are bad, otherwise I would be worth $100K? I am NOT changing light bulbs. Make the TB get back here and do it.

* Morgan: Me! Me! Me! Pleeease let me! I wanna do it! I'm gonna do it! I know how, really I do! Just watch! I'll rewire the barn after, too.

* Appaloosa: Ya'll are a bunch of losers. We don't need to change the light bulb, I ain't scared of the dark. And someone make that darn Morgan stop jumping up and down before I double barrel him.

* Haflinger: That thing I ate was a light bulb?

* Mustang: Light bulb? Let's go on a trail ride, instead. And camp. Out in the open like REAL horses.

* Lipizzaner: Hah, amateurs. I will change the light bulb. Not only that, but I will do it while standing on my hind legs and balancing it on my nose, after which I will perform seven flying lead changes in a row and a capriole. Can you do that? Huh? Huh? Didn't think so.

* Miniature: I bet you think I can't do it just cause I'm small. You know what that is? It's sizeism!

* Akhal Te ke: I will only change it if it's my owner's light bulb and no one else has ever touched it.

* Andalusian: I will delegate the changing of the light bulb to my personal groom after he finishes shampooing my mane and cleaning my saddle, but only on the condition that it is changed for a soft blue or pink bulb, which reflects better off my coat while I exhibit my astonishing gaits.

* Cleveland Bay: I'm busy. Make the whipper-in and the hounds do it.

* Tennesee Walking Horse: there was a light bulb up there?

* Saddlebred: My ears are up already, please, please get the &#/~..# light bulb away from me! I'm ready to show, really, I promise I'll win!

* Paint: Put all the light bulbs in a pen, tell me which one you want, and my owner will bet you twenty bucks I can get it before the quarter horse.

* POA: I'm not changing it. I'm the one who kicked the old one and broke it in the first place, remember? Now, excuse me, I have a grain room to break into.

* Grade Horse: Guys? Um, guys? I hope you don't mind, but I went ahead and changed it while you were all arguing


Living with O.C.E.A.N. Syndrome - By Scooter Grubb

Just recently, after years of research, I have finally been able to
give a name to what my wife and I have been living with for years.
It's an affliction, for sure, which when undiagnosed and
misunderstood can devastate and literally tear a family apart. Very
little is known about O.C.E.A.N. Syndrome. But it is my hope this
article will generate interest from researchers involved in the
equine and psychological sciences. You will, no doubt, begin to
identify similar symptoms in your own family and hopefully now be
able to cope. Obsessive Compulsive Equine Attachment Neurosis
(O.C.E.A.N.S) is usually found in the female and can
manifest itself anytime from birth to the golden years. Symptoms may
appear any time and may even go dormant in the late teens, but the
syndrome frequently re-emerges in later years.

Symptoms vary widely in both number and degree of severity. Allow me
to share some examples which are most prominent in our home.

The afflicted individual:

1. Can smell moldy hay at ten paces, but can't tell whether milk has
gone bad until it turns chunky.

2. Finds the occasional "Buck and Toot" session hugely entertaining,
but severely chastises her husband for similar antics.

3. Will spend hours cleaning and conditioning her tack, but wants to
eat on paper plates so there are no dishes.

4. Considers equine gaseous excretions a fragrance.

5. Enjoys mucking out four stalls twice a day, but insists on having
a housekeeper mop the kitchen floor once a week.

6. Will spend an hour combing and trimming an equine mane, but wears
a baseball cap so she doesn't waste time brushing her own hair.

7. Will dig through manure piles daily looking for worms, but does not fish.

8. Will not hesitate to administer a rectal exam up to her shoulder,
but finds cleaning out the Thanksgiving turkey cavity for dressing
quite repulsive.

9. By memory can mix eight different supplements in the correct
proportions, but can't make macaroni and cheese that isn't soupy.

10. Twice a week will spend an hour scrubbing algae from the water
tanks, but has a problem cleaning lasagna out of the casserole dish.

11. Will pick a horse's nose, and call it cleaning, but becomes
verbally violent when her husband picks his.

12. Can sit through a four-hour session of a ground work clinic, but
unable to make it through a half-hour episode of Cops.

The spouse of an afflicted victim:

1. Must come to terms with the fact there is no cure, and only
slightly effective treatments. The syndrome may be genetic or caused
by the inhaling of manure particles which, I propose, have an adverse
effect on female hormones.

2. Must adjust the family budget to include equine items - hay,
veterinarian services, farrier services, riding boots and clothes,
supplements, tack, equine masseuse and acupuncturist - as well as the
mandatory) equine spiritual guide, etc. Once you have identified a
monthly figure, never look at it again. Doing so will cause tightness
in your chest, nausea and occasional diarrhea.

3. Must realize that your spouse has no control over this affliction.
More often than not, she will deny a problem even exists as denial is common.

4. Must form a support group. You need to know you're not alone - and
there's no shame in admitting your wife has a problem. My support
group, for instance, involves men who truly enjoy Harley Davidsons,
four-day weekends and lots of scotch. Most times, she is unaware that
I am even gone, until the precise moment she needs help getting a 50-
pound bag of grain out of the truck.

Now you can better see how O.C.E.A.N.S. affects countless households
in this country and abroad. It knows no racial, ethnic or religious
boundaries. It is a syndrome that will be difficult to treat because
those most affected are in denial and therefore, not interested in a
cure. So, I am taking it upon myself to be constantly diligent in my
research in order to pass along information to make it easier for
caretakers to cope on a day to day basis.

Note: Scooter now has T-shirts available for O.C.E.A.N. syndrome.


Subject: Exercise by Saddling a Horse 

At this time of year, after the holidays, ads for weight-loss programs saturate print media and the airwaves. Even TV talk shows devote time to the battle of the bulge. I caught part of a Dr. Phil episode in which the prominent self-help guru was evaluating the situation of one overweight guest. The woman commented that she'd like to buy a horse so she could get exercise via riding. "That's great for the horse," responded Dr. Phil drolly, "but what good is it for you?" Obviously, Dr. Phil has missed out on the cardiovascular workout we women get attempting to get into a sports bra and riding pants.... 

Clearly, the good doctor doesn't own a horse. At least, not the right horse. A quiet, well-broke, agreeable mount may indeed not offer much in the way of fitness training. But, the right horse (and most of us have owned 1 or 2, haven't we?) will provide a body-building, cardiovascular- enhancing workout that would make Richard Simmons envious. 

Allow me to explain.... 

With the right horse, you begin your fitness program by walking out to the pasture. As you stride briskly, you carry the halter and lead rope behind you, pushed up high on your back so the lead doesn't drag. The purpose of this is to tone your chest and upper-arm muscles (because you're not fooling your horse, for he knows what you carry). As you approach to within a few feet of him, he'll walk slowly away from you, but at a pace just so you can't reach him, then stop. This will be repeated several times in succession, until you're ready to jog. At that point, because you own just the right horse, he will trot, then gallop around the pasture. If you're at the advanced level of fitness, you may continue chasing after him for maximum aerobic benefits, or just stop and start throwing rocks at him to give your rotator cuffs a workout. (Make sure you switch throwing arms. Not only is this a benefit to you, your horse will think it hilarious). 

Beginners may prefer to toss the halter and lead on the ground, bend forward from the waist, and engage in heavy breathing and chanting (that's what we'll call it, anyway -- chanting) as the horse continues to circle the field. For those of you that have experience with this exercise, you may choose to throw the halter and lead, walk briskly, bend, pick up, repeat. When the horse determines you've had enough of this warm-up session, he'll allow you to catch him. 

Now comes the total upper-body workout of grooming. The right horse, of course, will be caked in dried mud. The cement-like consistency of it will require work-to-exhaustion effort of your biceps and triceps. NOTE: This exercise has added value, the dried mud will stick to your face with perspiration, instant facial!  

Next comes the bending, stretching, and toning of hoof-picking. Bend over, pick up the horse's left front foot, then be prepared to jump back as he stomps it back down to the ground, narrowly missing your foot. (Keep your knees bent as you jump, to protect your lower back.) Reach down and pick up the foot again, hopping about with the horse to maintain your grip as you attempt to pick what seems to be dirt mixed with Super Glue from the hoof. Eventually the horse may stand still; you may be chanting by this time. Repeat the entire circuit 3 more times with the remaining feet.  

Once you can stand erect again, it's time for the insect repellent exercise. True, with this one, your horse may actually get more of a workout than you do, but you certainly get more of the repellent. It goes like this: Squirt!-circle- circle. 

Squirt!-circle- circle.

Squirt!-circle- circle--- and so on, until you're completely misted with repellent and chanting 'whoa you sonofabitch whoa'. To receive maximum benefit from this exercise, make sure you are at the beginning of a deep inhalation during the 'squirt' cycle and exhale after the last chanting 'whoa.' 

With the right horse, saddling up provides both aerobic and strength building benefits. The trick is to keep your feet moving as you heft the saddle blanket over and over (and over), trying to keep it in place on a moving target. The blanket exercise warms you up for the saddle exercise, for which the routine is the same, only the weight is much greater -- perfect for buffing those hard-to-tone shoulder muscles. 

Now comes the mounting exercise. With the right horse, it's left leg up, hop-hop-hop, left leg down, heavy breathing. Left leg up, hop-hop-hop, left leg down, heavy breathing. For balance, go around to the other side and continue the exercise (right leg up, hop-hop-hop, heavy breathing, right leg down, heavy breathing, etc.). When your heart rate begins to exceed your target range, look for a bucket. Bend over, pick it up, place it upside-down next to the horse, wait for the horse to move away, then bend over, pick it up again, place it next to the horse, and so on. NOTE: This is a cooling down routine, not to be confused with the warm up pasture-routine. When the horse deems you've had enough of these repetitions, he'll stand still and allow you to actually mount. At this point, of course, you'll be too exhausted to ride and your facial mask will be dropping off in chunks. 

It's best not to overdo it, so dismount, grab a glass of wine, and head in to recover in a bubble bath.


New Years Resolutions for Horses: 

1. I CAN walk and poop at the same time. I can, I can, I can.

2. I will NOT stop and poop or urinate every time I pass the same spot in the arena.

3. I will NOT leave when my rider falls off.

4. My stall is NOT my litter box. When I have free access to my paddock, I will NOT go back inside to pee.

5. I will NOT roll in streams or try to roll when my human is on my back.

6. I will NOT leap over large nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.

7. I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.

8. I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back feet.

9. I promise also NOT to choose that particular time to answer  nature's call.

10. I will NOT bite my farrier's butt just because it is there.

11. I will NOT confuse my human's blonde hair for really soft hay.

12. I will NOT wipe green slime down the back of my humans white shirt.

13. I will NOT blow my nose on my human.

14. I will NOT try to mooch goodies off every human within a 1 mile  radius.

15. I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed  over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human  frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"

16. I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.

17. I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while  a human is mucking my stall.

18. I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.

19. I will NOT have an attitude problem. I won't, I won't, I won't!

20. I will NOT pull my new shoes off the very next day just to prove  that I can.

21. I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I won't eat or  remodel the barn or the new fences.

22. I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I  look like a freak.

23. I accept that not every carrot is for me.

24. I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful  Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.

25. I will NOT jump in the air and turn 180 degrees every time I see a bicycle.

26. I will understand that bicycle are NOT carnivorous.

27. I will NOT shy at familiar objects just for fun.

28. I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during  trail ride just to say "HI".

29. I WILL put my ears forward and cooperate when it comes to photos.





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